started wrapping my pills in cheese
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*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
