Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
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You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie