Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.