Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
![]()
You Might Also Like
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
![]()
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver