Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home