starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
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Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”