Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
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If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Florida be like…
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?