Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
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“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”