Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
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PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
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Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.