Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room