Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
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WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
What the hell happened in there??
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Coffee for people with no kids
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*