Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
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I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
