What if the #skywire guy starts doing Gangnam Style??
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
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[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?