@TheCatWhisprer

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

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@robfee

What if the #skywire guy starts doing Gangnam Style??

@Vice_Queen

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

@XAIMMadellynne

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

@BuckyIsotope

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

@UnFitz

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

@fro_vo

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

@tigersgoroooar

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

@ranndrew

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

@dru0887

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?