Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
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[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.