Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

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What if the #skywire guy starts doing Gangnam Style??


[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.


4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?


Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.


JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*


horrifying if literal: the electric slide


whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic


waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu


“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.


If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?