starting a garage orchestra
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I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.