starting a garage orchestra
You Might Also Like
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.