Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us..

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”

“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”

My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

the battle rages on

If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.