Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
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I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”