Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
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I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]