starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
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Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
(Electricians.)
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
what’s the point then??
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.