Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
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I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
When someone says you are so lazy
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?