Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
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Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
shazam but for random noises outside
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
With a text.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.