Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
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You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?