Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
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*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
A small tragedy.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.