Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
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“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.