Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
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The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Stop sending me this shit.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Nomnomnomnom
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
dutch is not a serious language
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich