Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
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My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Extremely relatable.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.