Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
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*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987