Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
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I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone