Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
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*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Yep.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Autocorrect is my menesis
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
