Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

me when I see my crush

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.