Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
![]()
You Might Also Like
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
![]()
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
![]()
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
My life in a nutshell
![]()
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car