Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…

“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

as the prophecy foretold

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!