Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

4: “Can I say fuh?”

Me: “Don’t…”

4: “Can I say king?!”

Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…