Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.