Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
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[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
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I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
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My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.