Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

You can’t outrun your problems…

*lands on other planet*

“Take me to your pain medication”

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.