Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

This did not end as expected.

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me: