Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
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The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Möther may I have a snäck
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
We need to put an American base on the sun
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.