Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
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Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Trying
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
How do I get a job writing these texts
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.