Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
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pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]