Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

nobody’s gonna understand

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*