Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
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That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.