starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
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Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.