starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
You Might Also Like
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom