starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
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I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I hydrated. Surrender now.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
They got a point!
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family