Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.

Moving on.

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

Me in tagged photos

#titanic

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

COVID-19: …

Alpha Variant: …

Delta Variant: …

Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.