starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
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Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future