starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
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Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.