Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.