Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*