starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
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Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
2022 be like
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute