Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

In banana years, I am bread.

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

😂😂

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans