Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
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I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
i wonder why they stopped looking
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Every damn time
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
