Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
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Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.