Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista