Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

*pronounces surface like Versace*

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!

Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!

*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

I need better friends

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money