Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t talk my ride’s here

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline