Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
You Might Also Like
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito