Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Meme Monday.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.