Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
You Might Also Like
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane