starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
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kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.