starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
You Might Also Like
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Nosferatu
Nosfera2
Nosf3ratu
Nos4atu
Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?