Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

[canadians at you, canadianly]

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”