Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

doing your own taxes

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

ㅤ

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

no refunds

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.