Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
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If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
iPhone X
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
For cardio I live beyond my means.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u