Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
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They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
my proudest tweet
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine