Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
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Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Webb. James Webb.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.