Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
You Might Also Like
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks