Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.