It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
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Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?