Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?