Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
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what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
gender is a sprctrum
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place