Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
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Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.