starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
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I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
Air conditioning – not a fan
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Can confirm.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening