Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask