Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
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Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
trivia
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit