Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
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I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
*files a restraining order against reality*
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.