It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
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[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
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What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!