starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
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Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there
i really liked this one
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
how was your vacation
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.