Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
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I didn’t come here to be called names
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Places I won’t be going in 2025:
Above and beyond
Out of my way
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine